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Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

WHY does she retain the power to anger me? Almost anyone I know would tell you it's a difficult thing to do. Well, anyone who knows me now. They would tell you I'm a very even-tempered person. They would, for the most part, be right. So why the HELL can she make me this mad over something this stupid? I don't get it. I nearly broke the fucking door! I jump-kicked it, it slammed out and hit the wall outside, then bounced back and slammed shut. Then I ran around outside (Lila sent me out to cool off a little and look at the moon, which was indeed beautiful) and pulled at my hair and mouthed screams, and then I kicked some more stuff and then came back inside and talked to her some more and then I knocked over my chair on my way back out. It's insane! Okay, she sent me these pictures, and this is the IM following. Xendonian1: I like the tongue ring. I'm wigged by the hair. The corset... well, it's interesting.

Xendonian1: which color is your hair now?

Xendonian1: the dark or the bright?

Makies Blade: purple!

Makies Blade: I took the tongue ring picture twp seconds ago

Xendonian1: oh

Xendonian1: okay

Xendonian1: yeah, wigged by the hair

Makies Blade: hehe

Xendonian1: I like it!

Xendonian1: It's good hair.

Xendonian1: It's just, wigging.

Makies Blade: its wigging?

Xendonian1: but, definetly good hair

Makies Blade: yes, okay.....

Makies Blade: like my tongue?

Makies Blade: is it hot and sexy?

Xendonian1: dear gods, I really do talk like Willow... Too much BTVS for Lanni. Yeah, I like the tongue. Wiggins = wierdness. You cut your hair exactly like Bree did hers.

Xendonian1: yes, Amy, hot and sexy tongue ring.

Makies Blade: bree?

Xendonian1: Bree in Chicago

Makies Blade: ah

Xendonian1: but, hers is black, and a little shorter, and curlier. but I haven't seen her in a long while, so it'll have grown out to look like that. But you don't look anything alike, so it's okay. She looks like Winona Ryder with hers like that.

Makies Blade: sexy

Xendonian1: she is indeed

Xendonian1: I SO did not mean to say that.

Makies Blade: sure!

Xendonian1: ah, well. I have a right. Sleeping with someone for 2 months gives you a right. And she IS.

Xendonian1: though she doesn't know it.

Xendonian1: I can't wait for Thanksgiving...

Makies Blade: AHECK!

Xendonian1: what?

Makies Blade: I miss zander. and I wanted to say AHECK!

Xendonian1: oh, okay.

Makies Blade: you think he'll get a kick out of the email?

Xendonian1: possibly

Xendonian1: Do you mind if I show my friends? "This is my best friend Amy. This is her in a corset. Why did she send me that? I have no clue. Yes, I'm sure it's her. yes, i'm aware you can't see her face. But look! This is one with her tongue ring. Witness her face. and the tongue. with the ring"

Makies Blade: yes!

Makies Blade: show them!

Makies Blade: scare them!

Xendonian1: or maybe I'll stick to the innocent one of us in 8th grade. you with your big yellow glasses and me with my braces

Xendonian1: with our arms around each other and big smiles

Makies Blade: show them the new ones

Xendonian1: I will

Makies Blade: are they scared of me?

Xendonian1: they're not here now

Xendonian1: but I doubt they will be

Makies Blade: pooooop

Xendonian1: sorry luv

Xendonian1: people just aren't as easy to terrify anymore

Makies Blade: lick lick

Xendonian1: someday, when we're both grown and married with many children, you have to ask me about these years.

Makies Blade: can I ask you know?

Xendonian1: no

Makies Blade: bite me!

Makies Blade: lol

Xendonian1: no, that's not an option either.

Xendonian1: but, in a few years, you really should.

Makies Blade: I think I know

Xendonian1: know what?

Makies Blade: I'm getting the feeling

Makies Blade: shtip.

Xendonian1: what are you talking about?

Makies Blade: your little secret

Xendonian1: what's that?

Makies Blade: nope.

Makies Blade: not telling you! what if Im wrong?

Xendonian1: just say it.

Makies Blade: nope

Xendonian1: what if you are wrong? who's it going to hurt?

Makies Blade: you

Xendonian1: we've been best friends for 5 years. there is nothing you can say that will damage that. it's not going to hurt me.

Xendonian1: just say it.

Xendonian1: I promise.

Makies Blade: no

Xendonian1: Amelia!

Makies Blade: the shape of my heart!

Xendonian1: what?

Makies Blade: shave my heart!

Xendonian1: that would hurt considerably

Xendonian1: now, what are you thinking?

Makies Blade: I would die

Makies Blade: on second thought, lets not shave my heart

Xendonian1: yeah.

Xendonian1: so, will you just spit it out?

Makies Blade: no

Xendonian1: I have a very good idea of what you're going to say anyhow, and I know what the answer is, so just say it. It doesn't hurt, doesn't suprise.

Xendonian1: so say it

Makies Blade: what do you think I'll say

Xendonian1: I'm not telling.

Xendonian1: this is going to turn into an annoying stalemate.

Xendonian1: but it makes even less sense for me to say what I think you think my "secret" is than for you to say what you think it is, so just spill.

Xendonian1: I promise, you cannot hurt me.

Makies Blade: no

Makies Blade: you tell me

Xendonian1: and you're thinking what I think you are, then it was over and done with a long, long time ago. So just say it.

Makies Blade: what? so you say it!

Xendonian1: NO!

Xendonian1: you say it!

Xendonian1: bloody hell, this is ridiculous

Makies Blade: YOU say it!

Xendonian1: we've been the best friend each other had for 4 years, and you've stayed mine for the last one. SO whatever you're thinking, you can tell me.

Makies Blade: YOU SAY IT

Makies Blade: then tell me if its right or not

Xendonian1: I will tell you if you're right when you fucking tell me what you're thinking, you little wretch!

Makies Blade: YOU FIRST!

Xendonian1: NO!

Xendonian1: you brought it up!

Xendonian1: I don't know why you think you're going to hurt me!

Xendonian1: AMELIA

Makies Blade: ah

Xendonian1: Okay. one more time we try for rational thought, and then we go ballistic. What. Are. You. Thinking?

Makies Blade: nipe

Xendonian1: Amelia, I'm going to be seriously upset in a minute.

Xendonian1: Why in HELL can you still make me this angry from 3/4 of the way across a continent?

Xendonian1: NOBODY makes me this mad. NOBODY!

Makies Blade: oy

Xendonian1: actually, I'm not all that mad.

Xendonian1: but I'm something.

Xendonian1: and I don't understand why you won't tell me.

Xendonian1: as Lila could tell you, it's getting upsetting

Makies Blade: oy

Xendonian1: tell me why you won't tell me?

Makies Blade: because

Xendonian1: because WHAT?!

Makies Blade: just... because

Xendonian1: Amy. I'm confused. I don't get it.

Xendonian1: and you're not helping.

Xendonian1: what in the world could make you this unwilling to talk to me?

Makies Blade: hehe

Xendonian1: don't we have a policy of being honest?

Makies Blade: ofcourse1

Makies Blade: !

Xendonian1: so!?

Xendonian1: if you're actually worried that you will hurt me, don't be.

Makies Blade: ningoer


Xendonian1: I mean, no.

Xendonian1: but, Amy, what the hell?!

Makies Blade: I just no

Xendonian1: okay.

Xendonian1: What do you know?

Makies Blade: nothing

Xendonian1: bullshit

Makies Blade: really, forget about it

Xendonian1: no

Xendonian1: Cause you NEVER try to do that when there's not something up. That "really, it's okay, I'm persuasive, listen to me" thing.

Makies Blade: oy

Xendonian1: Amy.

Makies Blade: Ill be right back

Do I know what she's thinking? Nooooo. Do I have a definite suspicion? Yeeeesss. What is it? I think she's (finally) figured out that I liked her. But that was waaaaay long time ago. I fell in love with her, with my beautiful best friend. Three for three, that makes me. Well, not really. With Lila it was infatuation. With Bree it was really really good sex. With her, it was love. Friendship love, plus the complete unsurety that came with sleeping with Rory. See, I never really thought I would. I was going to wait. But, it did. And I was ok with it. I enjoyed it, that's for sure. But it made me a lot more receptive to feelings like that. And somewhere along the line of realizing I had made a mistake with him came realizing how I felt about her. When I went to see her at New Years, we did things I would never have imagined. Lets just say the most innocent part was stealing three vibrating plastic cylinders from Spencers Gifts. We never touched each other, though. Except in the sense of friendly. Much to my regret. But that experience was what led to Bree. And I don't regret a second of that.

Okay, it's later now. We're talking again and I think I've pried it out of her, almost. And I'm talking to Lada about Tara and our rampant fantasies about her. Well, not in any detail, but all the same. The play sucked assage. But it was just the dress rehearsal. So it's okay. And yeah, I got it out of her. And I was right that she was right. And it's going to be better. And I can FINALLY reprimand her for some of the things she did to me over New Years. And I feel much, much better. Do you KNOW how awful it is to have a crush on your best friend and have to go on being her ultra-supportive best friend in all the world who could never hurt her and who will always love her no matter what but only in a friendly platonic sense cause she's not even a little tiny eensy-weensy bit into girls? When before that YOU didn't know you were into girls? It's not fun. It's REALLY not fun. So now I feel a LOT better.

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