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Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Picture this, we were both buck naked, banging on the bathroom door. Lyrics from some absolutely stupid rap song that's been stuck in my head all weekend. To the GREAT amusement of my girlfriend, seeing as how that's how we spent a good amount of my birthday party as well. Gods I'd missed her. But I hadn't missed this place, or how she acts when we're around people. Thing is, my darlin' girl isn't bi. She's flat-out gay. But she goes through such a ridiculous charade when there's other people around, even people who are supposed to be our good friends. I mean, when it's just the two of us, we can't keep our hands to ourselves. But when there's other people around, I have to stay a certain distance away or they might think something's wierd and we can't play around cause it's too close to flirting and just grrr! It had been getting better by the end of the summer, but this week it's been insane. And it's completely ridiculous, because she's so paranoid about getting caught or whatever that she won't let me near her when there's people, but she's not in the least above dragging me into my room or the bathroom or that little bathroom downstairs, or anywhere else she thinks nobody will be for a while, and making me scream. And letting me cause make her scream. And then we go back upstairs, I can still fucking taste her, and she won't let me near her again. But then we made sure there was a shortage of beds and she came and slept in my room. In my bed, at that, though the rest of them didn't know that part. mmm, I did miss that girl. And then we spent Friday night and Saturday morning with just each other cause it was our 6 month anniverary of having a top-secret relationship. Oy. But it's been fun.

And I'm now having a conversation with Amy about the color of our nipples. Why? I don't know. I've had lots of interesting conversations today. There was one with Lada in which she frightened me. She says she's going to get me. I'm I asked her what for, and she grinned evilly and said something about, oh, Lani baby. So I'm unsure as to what she's up to. But I get the feeling it's time to be afraid, be very afraid. But then, when is it not, when it comes to Lada?

I'm going back to school tomorrow. For two weeks, then I'm home for two weeks. You know, it's odd. I swear I'm splitting into halves. Cause it's wierd being this happy. For the first time in years, everything's going right. I'm living away from home, at a school I adore. I've got a crush on a guy at school, a very sexy girlfriend when I'm home, and if I really want/need to, I could have somebody at school. I'm getting good grades, everything's going great, and it's scary as hell. I'm not used to things being good. I'm used to scars on my shoulders from my mother's fingernails and scars on the inside of my legs from my own handiwork with sharps. Happiness is utterly knew. So half of me wants to keep going that way, to go running with Rachel every night and to be more self-confident and just sort of make everything right. The other half wants to be gothier and darker and make everything perfect and get a new pack of razor blades just in case I don't finish all my homework or I'm not having much luck studying for a test. And that's pretty scary, because happiness shouldn't be a fear-inspiring thing. And I think that maybe I'm losing my mind. But then Lila comes and scratches on my door and makes me smile, and everything's ok again. But there will always be a darkness. And maybe that's just not so bad.

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