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Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

So I told Cesca. About diaryland. And about my diary. And eventually I gave her the URL. She read it, and finally figured out what I was spazzing about her reading it for. Namely, my gigantic thing for one Lila Hemsell. And I'll never hear the last of it. Not that I have from anyone else I told, though. I told Bri, who torments me about it ceaselessly. I told Vladida, who did the whole "Lani loves Lila" thing on my floor as I tried to strangle her. So it's okay. And I've wanted to tell her for some time anyhow, cause I trust her, and because I need someone there to go to when I just can't take it anymore. Someone who will laugh at me and tease me for it, but who will understand because she too has a thing for a good friend of hers that she, well, technically shouldn't have, though she probably will. And eventually, if I need her to, she'll be nice about it. And that's helpful. And I'm really starting to debate whether it would be such a bad thing if Lila did find out. I mean, Cesca, Danielle, and apparently Nik(for who the hell knows what reason) say that they wouldn't be surprised if we hooked up sometime, but even if that never happened, it would probably go away if she knew. That's just how it is with me. I only want something if it's a big secret because I can't have it. Once they find out, I lose interest. But I still don't want her to. Cause there's a great chance that even if/when I did lose interest, the friendship would have seriously suffered. And that would suck, cause despite all the little things about her that do sometimes iritate me to no end, it's a friendship I value. And most of those little things stem from immaturity, which will change as she matures. Which she will. And I don't want that friendship, which right now is wonderfully close and incredibly valued, to turn into a casual one as we avoid each other. Or any of the other ways it could go sour. So I'm just going to let things take their course, and eventually, she'll figure it out. In the meantime, I'm going to remain juvenile with my schoolgirl crush, and beg Ces to "tell me what she said?!"

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