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Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I haven't updated in forever, but I've been busy and just not in the mood for it. But now, I've got time, and I guess I sort of am, so I will. So life is odd and complicated. Jules, Bridget, and Louisa got high in Lila (& Jules') room last night, which the imp found funny but Danielle and I were upset about because there are rules about that sort of thing, and one of them is, don't do it where you can get other people, especially the people I'm in crush-land for, in trouble for it. And Kat & Lisa know or at least suspect, and they're going to get in a shitload of trouble one of these days. Not like I'll mind, really, because Jules and Bridget are both the kind of people who I can stand, but who I wouldn't miss, and who need to get in trouble now, before they get themselves into real shit later on. But Louisa I'd miss, cause she's a sweetheart, and really smart. And Danielle's roommate, and it would just suck. But anyhow, what other news... I've got another person to add to my list of people who I've found out were bi or gay or whatever within the last month. And she won't tell me how she figured this out, having gone from "has no appeal whatsoever to me" to "oh and by the way I'm bi." I mean, I'm what, glad for her? But I'm confused.

I have to get Cesca to call her friend Sidney who she's been trying to hook me up with for eons, because I need something to take my mind off of Lila. It's really time for me to be over her. Crushes should not go on this long. I mean, within a week of meeting her I felt like I had known her forever, like she would/could be one of the closest friends I'd ever have, and I had a huge thing for her. Since then, I've found that she's a lot less like what I thought she was at first, and that while we're still good friends, we won't have the depth I thought we would, at least not until she grows up a little and stops being so damn flippant. But I still have a thing for her. It's not a good combination. I don't even know how I feel about her anymore, either. It's like, I want her because she's beautiful and because I can't have her, but if I could, I don't know if I'd want to anymore. And we'd be NO good in a relationship. None. So I don't know. And this is all so easy to say here, when she's not around, but when she is... My heart goes faster, and I catch myself watching her, and I just get all fuzzy. And there are those times when she's more like she was back in the beginning, or when she smiles just at me with that crook-toothed, impish grin of hers, or when she grabs my arm and drags me off somewhere, and I just melt. I don't think I've ever felt like this before, except for a while when I had a huge crush on a good friend of mine, Pitr. But I didn't LIVE with him. I didn't see him everywhere. I could have had a chance with him. And with her, I really don't.

So there I go, rambling about Lila again... I do too much of that. But what can I say? Anyhow, I'm happy I'm good friends with Cesca and Danielle now. At the beginning of the year I really didn't think I'd be too fond of Danielle, and I didn't know Ces all that well, but I knew she hung out with Danielle and Shaina. I don't even remember what it was about Danielle that I didn't like, or when it changed, but we're really good friends now, and so're me and Ces. I'm especiallly glad about Ces, cause we have so much fun together. She says that when she saw me, she knew we'd click if she could pull me out of my shell, which at that point was masquerading as the bush I was burrowing in. So she came and pulled me out, and we made friends over time. And she's good for me. Still pulls me out of my shell, and she says I keep her sane, so it's good for both of us. She stops me being the timid mother hen that I tend to be sometimes, gets me to be more adolescent. And she doesn't make me self-concious. So we're good friends. And this is good. All is good. Friends are good. Friends make me happy. Everybody's always tugging on my arms and trying to make me go places with them, and I'm not used to that. It's nice, though sometimes I feel it necessary to place my head on the table and hide it with my arms and rock catatonically cause I'm so confused as to what's going on, but for the most part, it's a good thing. So yay. And I am The Elf.

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