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2 PM in Locorado

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Only in part because of what Cesca said, I have realised that I have to get over her. Or to do something about not being over her. Because the way things are now is not an option. I spent most of yesterday with her, and it was wonderful. It was like it used to be. All things come full circle. We went to Casual Culture for a new toe strap for my snowboard bindings, to Peppinos for good pizza, to Java Joe's for lattes in real coffee cups, with saucers. We laughed. And talked. And teased. And then we got back, and sat on the couch in the common room, her playing Sims on my computer, leaning against my knees. Me leaning against the corner of the couch, watching the movie and feeling thrills go through me from the feel of her back against my calves. And I look back on yesterday, and I have flashes. flash. Looking at her across the table in Peppinos, seeing her smile, her eyes. flash. Looking at her across the rim of a coffee mug 3/4 the size of my face, peering over the rim, to see her peering over the rim of hers at me. flash her arm around my shoulders, her hand patting me on the back, jokingly reassuring me that I'm not crazy. But it's all sensory. And it was wonderful, having her that way again. She even opened up enough to talk about her sister. And usually she just closes up, like somebody ran a zipper up her emotions, and her eyes go blank, and she shrugs it off. "It's not important. I don't care." But there was no I don't care yesterday. And there were no barbed remarks that hurt because she didn't care. She was sweet. And smelled so good. But I can't live this way. I really do love her. As a friend, if nothing else, at least when she is the way she was yesterday. But so much of the time she isn't. And then I'm just extremely attracted to her. And that needs to end, one way or another. I can't spend this much time and thought and energy on this. I either have to get over it, or do something about it. But it's so nice, when it is the way it was yesterday. When there's deep friendship, and peace, and this hint of flirtation. And then I think maybe I've got a chance. Because twice in three days, two times that we've been together and everything's been right, that's an improvement. But I don't know.

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