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Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I don't think anyone understands the way I think. I know I don't. I've been known to, as I did last night, lose periods of time. Half an hour. When I wasn't asleep. And I find myself, half an hour after the time I thought it was, taking long slow steps up and down my hallway at 3 in the morning, stopping at one end to lean against the door and watch Lila sleep. She's been getting on my nerves lately so much. I don't know why. But she has. Every time I see her, even just sitting in the common room, my mood plummets. And then she opens her mouth, and no matter what she says, it annoys me. And this Friday it was all just too much. I was in a good mood. Walked back to the dorm with Mandy and Cesca, laughing and talking and making plans (with Cesca, not Mandy) to go out into the fields and do what people do on Friday nights in small towns out in the snow-covered fields in the middle of winter. Then, we get into the dorm, I see the Imp sitting there on the couch, doing nothing that I knew of, and all of a sudden I was sad/mad. Just wanted to go back into my room, sit in my butterfly chair, and stare at nothingness for a while. And then she opens her mouth and the first thing she says is "I really feel like getting drunk" and Cesca grabs her hand and says okay, they can do that. And I was sadder. And went back to my room, sat down in my chair, and stared at nothingness. And would have stayed that way, but Cesca came in and started bugging me about the weed and I got it and she rolled it in a tampon wrapper, and we left, and went and ran into Sarah squared, the two who (of all the girls, anyway) smoke up the most. So we all walked to the bar fork, debating where to go, eventually went off into the fields, smoked a good joint and a bowl, stumbled back glass-eyed and giggling to the bar fork, ran into Danielle and the Imp, the Imp inspected our eyes, laughed her ass off at Cesca's eyes and my behavior, then left. Had I not been somewhere around the altitude of a kite at the moment, she would have put me right back in a mopey mood, but I was, so she didn't. Then later, I went back to the dorm, wrote a miserable entry in my real diary, then went out to the common room. We all watched movies for a while, then Rachel, the Imp, and I stayed up talking. Rache went to bed around 2, the Imp asked me to stay out in the common room with her, I, of course, aquiesced. Cause, when it's just me and her, or with Rachel, then it doesn't happen. Maybe it's just when there's other people around. I dunno. But we stayed up forever, just the Imp and I, talking about all sorts of things. About our running-away stories. About the games of pretend we used to play when we were at the ages most kids stop playing pretend. A lot about the playing pretend. It was great. Absolutely wonderful. But it didn't fix things. And I don't know what's going on with that, because seeing your friend sitting on a couch is really not something that should put you in an "I want to go curl up and cry" kind of mood.

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