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Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

So life is crazyness. But I added a guestbook, so I'm happy. And I have play practice tonight, where the Imp won't be, so I don't have to deal with her. I'm still annoyed with her, though I'm not sure why. I mean, I've got my reasons, but lately just everything about her is pressing my buttons. But sometimes it's nice to just be with her. And then other times, it's really not. And I'm getting tired of being me, and maybe that's part of it. I'm sick of all the highschool bullshit. Of spending all afternoon trying to find a ride to a party that turns out not to exist. Of boyfriends and girlfriends and crushes and friends. I didn't used to go along with it. I used to do my own thing. I used to be a bookworm, and while I was solitary and everything, I didn't care. And then at some point, I started caring what people thought of me. And so now, here I am, well-enough liked by those I care to be liked by, otherwise mostly ignored. And while I'm okay with being therapy girl, I don't want to be a mother hen. I tried to explain this to the Imp last weekend, but she just laughed at me, and then I remembered. She doesn't care. So I gave up. But I don't want to be the mother hen, and I really don't think I am. I don't mind being therapy girl. In fact, I love it. I love being the one who knows all the secrets, who everybody comes to when they need a shoulder to cry on. But I mind being the mother hen. If I'm going to be social, and participate in the high school bullshit, I don't want to be the sober one. I don't want to take care of everybody. I want to go out and do stupid things and have fun. I want to laugh with everybody else and get really high and make out with miscellaneous people and not have a million and twelve shields and walls and bits of common sense between me and that. I want to be somebody who didn't have to raise her little sister, who didn't grow up long before her time. Who nobody says has wise eyes. Who just goes out and has fun. And who doesn't mother anybody. I just want to be 15 going on 16, not 15 going on 25. I just want to be me. And I'm having real issues with everybody who wants me not to be.

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