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5:18 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I'm not ready to be done here. I'm not ready to be a junior. A dorm head. I'm not ready to grow up. Not ready to deal with spending the summer being a responsible person. Not ready to get my life back from where it had gone. Not ready. Not ready to be ready, but maybe I am. Cause it's been me all along. My own decisions. My own life. My decisions that got me here, to this place where I have never been happier. My decisions that have me going to summer school this summer so I can take psychology next year so I can take advanced bio senior year so I can have all four science credits after all. My decisions that will have me working too, so I can get Lila & myself to NY this summer. Probably my decisions that have Bri not talking to me. But maybe I can fix that. I've finally done that thing, that I've been begging and pleading with my parents to let me do all along. I've gone out and done it my own way. And whaddaya know? It worked. Really well. And I'm happy. Why is that always the scariest part of all? Who was it. I was looking through my journal the other night, the as-yet blank one that Stacey gave me my last session with her last summer. And there was a quote. We're never afraid of anything as much as our own light. It was longer than that and those aren't even exactly the words, but that was pretty much it. We claim to be scared of our own darkness but really we are scared of our own light. We make ourselves smaller so as not to intimidate those around us, and ourselves. We say, I won't express myself because I might let the darkness out. But really, the darkness is easy. We've all been there. It's only a step away from most of us. I like to keep mine in sight, so I don't lose touch with things and find myself there again. It's easy to get there. Easy to live there. Just let go, don't care. It may not make you happy, but it's easy to be there. It's hard to find the other side, and to stay there. We all get glimpses of it. Most of us are taught from earliest childhood to hide it. Don't brag, honey, it's not attractive. Don't make such a fuss over yourself. Don't be selfish. Don't take the time to listen to what's inside of you. Hide it. You'll scare the people around you. They'll be jealous. They'll hate you for it. Lada learned that lesson quite thoroughly when she came to Pelham. We all taught it to her. Every one. I learned it a very, very long time ago. Be shy. Hide. I'm kind of sick of it now. I don't know if I can do anything about it. But maybe I can try.

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