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9:07 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Ah, Life... It's been very odd these past weeks. Being home, being myself in a place where I've never been a real person before. I haven't been writing and I need to but I can't seem to do it. I went to a baseball game with Daddy last night, which I haven't done since I was five years old. He'd mentioned it last weekend and then asked, in this way that expected me to say no, if I'd like to go. And I heard that tone, and I saw him, and I remembered the grandparents, and I said sure, when do we have to leave? He was surprised, but so happy. And we went, and I didn't really think it would be much fun, but I went because he's my dad and he wanted me to. And it actually was. I still don't really understand the game, but it was a good night. It gave us a chance to spend some father-daughter time, which I miss more than I'd usually admit, but without having to talk about anything more than baseball. Not new york, or mother, or school, or politics. Just, baseball. And subways. And for once, for a little while, I could try and see him the way I used to, when I was a little kid. I think one of the few illusions I had when I was a kid was about him. I mean, he was my Dad. I never had a maternal mother. She was there, and she generally did try, but she just wasn't a mom. Never wanted to be, and didn't know how to deal with it. But, the way I saw it, he did. He wanted to be a Dad, not just a father, not just a children-having person. And when mother was cruel and life hurt and I was sad, it always seemed like he was on my side. My hero, my daddy. And it really hurt when I first realized that that wasn't entirely true. That he tended far more to just give up to her than to fight, even when he knew she was wrong. That he spent my whole life ignoring the way she treated me, or herself, or anyone. That he wasn't a very strong person in a lot of ways. It scared me, realizing he was human. But I went to a baseball game with him yesterday and I let myself sink back into that, as deep as I could, and it was good. And then today, I'm back to the real world, but that's okay too, because I'm dealing. And Lada's coming. And Lila. We're going to NY. That will be good. Then, back to CRMS. Which is also not perfect, but which is my place. And I am happy there.

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