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2001-07-13
7:29 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

When I'm sad, I write. That's how it's always been. For that matter, when I'm happy, I always want to write, but usually when I'm happy, I'm busy, or just have better things to do than be on the computer. Those are the things inducing the happiness, generally. Whatever goes on, though, my main urge is to write it out, write it down. I haven't done that in a while. I just haven't been inspired; heaven knows I've had the time. I hate being home. Being back in chicago. Being with my parents. I thought it was going to be better now, and it really does seem that way on the outside. It's killing me on the inside, though. We're getting along, for the most part. Yeah, Brynne's 12 and being all adolescent-y all over the place, and whining about how miserably she's always treated by everybody, boo and hoo. But she's growing up, and at any rate she's not what's making me miserable. I think part of it is just the sheer inactivity. Sue me, I know, it's summer, I'm supposed to be enjoying it. Luxuriating, et cetera. But I like being busy. I like having things to do. But things to do require money, of which I can spend none, because I want to go to NY in august. So little to no going to belmont. Lada and I will spend our week together in belmont, don't get me wrong, but for now, no spendage. And when I go there, there is always major spendage. I never realized how materialistic I tend to be until I started trying to save money. I really wish I had a job. I wish I had something to do in the afternoons. I spent all of last summer with Bree, and the park rats, and everybody's good friend the narcotics. There are no more park rats, and while I'm sure there are still narcotics, I have had nothing to do with them. Could if I wanted, I'm sure. But, again with the non-spendage, and to a certain extent I just don't want to. Yeah, drugs can be amusing, but I hear myself talking sometimes and I just think, wow, you sound like a complete stoner. All the stories, the "well one time, we were so fucking stoned, dude" stories. I'm sick of it. That's not something I want to be a major part of my life. Sure, it's fun, and goddess knows I'm not swearing off mood-altering substances or anything, but I'm going back to what I originally used to defend myself. I'll do stuff when I feel like it, when it's safe, just for the feeling. Never for any other reason. And it will not become a part of my lifestyle, because there is part of me that is still that little straight-edge girl that I was when I was my sister's age, and she gives me the dirtiest looks (the inner child, not my sister) whenever I open my mouth to tell one of those stories. We'll see what happens.

*some minutes later*

Wow. I just had an actual conversation with Juliette. About, of all things, drugs and sex. Impossible is the only term that comes to mind here, but I feel a lot better. On monday, I'm taking her to a place on belmont ave to get her tongue pierced. I'm a bad, bad person. I felt all evil about it, but then it turns out that she was a raver and everything when she was my age, and she wanted to do it anyway, so all I really did was provide the push. I feel good now, and I'm going to go before that wears off.



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