Lana feels

I'm back, and I could not be happier to be leaving again. Five more days of this I can take. Much more and I think I might scream. In a non-retractable way.

I find myself wondering when I became agreeable. I asked Lila last week when we rolled together and were doing the deep conversation thing, what people thought of me when they met me. Simply because I wanted to know. I don't, really. There's a rather large part of me that remains convinced that I'm a thoroughly unlikeable little thing, and that somehow all the people who profess frienship and trust and affection are somehow just waiting, still out to get me. Which I suppose on an intellectual level I know is not true, based on experience and just general knowledge. The feeling, however, is harder to convince, and remains. I don't know if people know this. I don't talk about it, ever, because what would be the point? It makes it hard to trust people, and by the time one does get to be a friend of mine they generally discover that I do have baggage and issues and so on, but who in this world doesn't? The thing is, at one point, it was, or at least seemed, true. Up until I don't know when, people really didn't like me. I had friends, but we were a wierd - I don't want to do this now. More later. Going to call Cesca.