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6:37 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I'm lonely. I never thought that was possible here, but I am. Lonely. Feeling alone. Feeling left out. I understand now what was bothering Lada so much when she was with Lila and I, because looking at it I know we do the same thing that she and Rachel do that's bugging me now. The thing with the unfinished sentences. The thing that indicates a burning conversation that's been had and that will continue to be had in the future, and which is so completely exclusive. Without meaning to be. Part of it is just me. I know this. I know that if I wanted it badly enough and if I wasn't as stubbornly myself as I am, I could integrate myself into some of what they're doing, talking about. I could know the emotions behind those conversations. But it bugs me that I hardly ever see one without the other. That I never spend the time I used to spend with both or either. Lila and I would spend hours in my room or her room or the bathroom or the Bar Fork lounge. We would talk. Now, it's like she'll come over, show up, every now and then. Last night to get some tacks. This afternoon because she found herself walking with some people off to the places where people go to do certain things we've both decided not to do this year, and so she turned around and came back to me. Took me to her dorm. Where we ran into Rachel. We were going to all go to the movies, but I was just going 'cause they were and I wanted to spend some time with them and then Lila decided not to go and I didn't want to. I wore a red tank top with monkeys on it today. What does that mean? Rachel said she'd never seen me in a tank top, never mind a red one, before. Asked why the change. I shrugged. I'm feeling withdrawn around them now. They have their own little world, that revolves around the two of them being so much alike and something with Dylan and Patrick. I don't belong to that world, don't want to and couldn't even if I did. I'm not like them. I'm different, in a lot of ways, and while I've become more like them in some ways over the year that I've known them, not in the ways that are important. I'm scared that one of those reasons is the fact that I've never worn a strappy red tank top before. Why it scares me I don't know, but it does. It scares me that people can have such a connection because they've always been beautiful. It isn't just because of that, of course. But I suspect one reason they're so much alike, feel the same way about so many things, talk the way they do between the two of them, is because of that, because that shapes people so much, especially in this society. I've spent my life hiding, whether it be hiding cuts or scars or shape or just me. I'm tired of it now, and I'm wearing a strappy red tank top. Which is the cause and which the effect I couldn't really tell you, but both are so. And I'm lonely. I miss my friends. I miss late night talks. I miss having the exclusive jokes and stories and things where you say just one word and it sets you laughing for ten minutes, or finish a sentence with a significant look. I miss that. We've only been back for three, four days. And I miss that. And I'm lonely.

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