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4:10 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I really want to write. I have an hour, or at least, the better part of an hour, which is free because I was released early from the thing I should have been doing for the next hour. Which is to say, playing soccer. So I have this hour. This computer. Enough thoughts running around my brain to fill a university library, never mind a diary entry. I've wanted to write it all down for days. Yet I just can't. Grah. All this... Stuff. I think it's because there is an utter lack of crisis right now. I write very good angst. Gimme a good crisis, hell, I'll pour out pages in minutes. Give me a situation that's moving at a pace so slow even I can't angst about it? I have nothing to say. I could tell the story. But I've told the story. Repeatedly. To myself. In bits to various pieces of quickly ripped up and swallowed paper. To Cesca. To Peter. To my sister. I don't know. Hell, I'll just tell it.

So, what. Maybe, a week ago? Two weeks, three? I think it was three. Some Monday, anyhow, the weekend after the weekend Panda and I spent making pretzels and hiking red bluffs, I walk into the silversmithing studio, where Cesca is, to talk to her. And as soon as I'm within earshot, she opens her mouth and out comes "So you and Manda make a cute couple." And from there all this begins, at least, consciously. The problem with it is that she's right. When she said it I denied it and went on my way. A week passed. She was pissed at me or something, and then she wasn't again. Fall Trip came and went. Panda and I continued to spend all our time together. I slowly figured out that Ces was serious. And realized that the tumult her saying so had sent my mind into, was probably indicative of something. We had a conversation last week. Friday, maybe? I don't know, one of those days. Wherin she elaborated on just how serious she really is. I said something to Lila about it last Wednesday. She sees it. She sees other people seeing it. Sunday, after Sunday Study, I went into the kitchen, where Peter was, with Cesca. We talk to him. He says he sees it. Then Ces goes away and we have an actual conversation. Where he talks to me about love, and about taking risks for things that matter. A brief interlude about Peter - he's one of the cooks here, he's 29, he knows everything about everything that goes on here. I mean everything. He's amazingly perceptive, people tell him everything, and what they don't tell him probably happens in the kitchen or is discussed there later. So if he says something is so, it probably is. So where does this leave us? If Cesca and Lila and Peter and, well, everybody else who sees us together ever is right, it leaves us in a place that would be really disturbing, except that somehow it isn't. It leaves us in a place where my best friend has a- no. Panda may have feelings for me, but not a crush. So, in a place where my best friend has feelings for me that are most certainly more than friendly. Where we spend every free moment together or looking for each other. Where I think I am quickly developing similar feelings for her. But I don't know if they are right! That's the only part that's really bothering me. I could deal quite well with us falling in love. It's just that there's still one nagging part of my mind that says, what if they're wrong? What if this is just a really close, very strange-type friendship? And right there, I come up against the wall. Because if they're right, then, well. It'd be kinda nice if something would come of it. But if they're wrong. If they're wrong, and I let myself believe that they're right, then bad things will happen. She needs all the friends she has, and she would see that as a betrayal. So I'm worried by the time I finish writing this. But I know. I absolutely know. That I'm going to come out of the lab and see her. And it will all be all right.

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