Lana feels

Tap tap tap. The computer lab at 1:05. The quarter ends today. I didn't do as well as one might think I should have done. As everybody seems to think I should have done, and nobody asks me why. Which is why. I've learned something in the last 7 weeks, though. Several things. I've learned what a true friend is as opposed to, just, a friend. A true friend is someone who will still spend time with you even if you do move 100 feet further away from them than you were. A friend is someone who will still come see you sometimes. When they want to borrow your computer. But who otherwise will not make any effort to maintain the friendship that only the year before they said would last forever. This girl I was really close to last year.

But it doesn't matter. Because I've also learned that I'm more resilient than I thought I was. Sure, I still mourn for friendships lost sometimes. When I see certain people, when they act like everything's the same as ever it was. But there's more scorn than pain in it now. Maybe that's not a good way to deal with things that hurt, but it's been a long time since I've been really angry. I'm not really angry over this but I could be. I've learned that Pandabear and Cesca are my friends. That while I may not really have any close friends in my dorm, I have them, and I have my writing and my watercolors for nights when I can't sleep. I've learned that having a single in a dorm where you don't have close friends is lonely at night. But that privacy is nice. I've learned that I can be really bitchy when I want to. I've learned to say bitch in French.

School is better. The classes. The homework. Algebra is evil, but I'm passing everything. Doing better. With the help of some good friends, have pulled myself out of the hole I was digging myself into.

And then... There's an inkling. An inkling of a liking for a girl I shouldn't like. But. She's. Well. She's fun, and I like her eyes.