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11:11 a.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I love. I hate. I breathe. Sink. Swim. Cry. Laugh. Breathe. Mourn. Celebrate. Try. Succeed. Fail. Love. Angst. Relax. Deal. Concentrate. Distract. Everything that makes people people. Trust. Caring. I do those. We all do those. I realized last night that I miss Lila. And maybe even Rachel. That it is too much for me to hate them, to be bitter and vengeful and petty about a friendship lost. I've always been good at that, at getting angry when I'm sad or lonely or anything, really. Any emotion that shows weakness can be transformed into anger. I was always taught that anger was okay. But it takes so much energy to be angry. To maintain a good angry fire inside. To be bitter and bitchy and just plain mean, sometimes. I don't want to do that. That's not the kind of person I am. And more than that, I'm not really mad at them. So a friendship lost. So a girl I once knew. So all of that. It sucks. It's sad. But it's not worth my time or energy to be angry about it. Bitterness is just bitter. It doesn't get sweet if you hold onto it. I'm not big on the vengeance. I'd never have made a good Anyanka, though it looks like fun sometimes. Really, though I am definitely capable of hurting people, and have done so before, I always feel bad about it afterwards. The only problem is, what to do now? Because in the beginning I sobbed about it, and I moped and I gave puppy eyes and I attempted to guilt them, her, into staying friends. And I went and visited and really did try everything I knew to maintain that friendship that meant so much to me. But to no avail. So then I got bitter. And angry. And vengeful. For the last couple, few, weeks, every time I'd see her I'd glare at her. Even when she would try to be friendly I'd push her away. Give her scornful looks and not respond to touch. Make comments under my breath about shallow people or traitorious friends. To nobody's credit, she didn't even notice. And I didn't really feel bad about it, but had she noticed, had it bothered her, I might have. Regardless of feeling bad, though, it didn't help. Sometimes it felt really good, but it would never last, and it just didn't help anything. So I'm done with that as well. I just have no idea what to do now. I'd love to be friends again. I'd love more than anything for her to be who she was and for things to go back to the way they were but life just doesn't work like that! Time doesn't go retrograde, people don't go backwards. Nothing is ever the same as it was a moment ago. Wishing for things to be the way they were is a wonderful way to waste time. Finding a solution for the way things are now is the only way that would be of any use to anybody. I just don't know what that solution is. I don't know what I want. Well. That I can have, at any rate, 'cause I do know what I want. I just said what I want. But I can't have that, so what do I want that I can have? Answer; possibly nothing. I may yet be left in stalemate. Can't go back and don't know how to go forward. Want my friend back, I guess, but I don't particularily want to be friends with the newly plasticized girl that has replaced the wise young woman I once knew. Solutions. hah. I know of no solutions.

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