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10:45 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Thanksgiving is an odd phenomenon in my family. They wouldn't hear of not celebrating it; it's traditional and familial and so on and so forth. Daddy drinks and watches football and Mother cooks and Brynne watches television and the au pair is awkward. And I... I waver between childhood and adulthood and I don't know where I fall and they aren't any clearer. Daddy poured the wine tonight, and he hovered over my wineglass with the bottle for nearly a minute before moving along. Then took it into the kitchen and filled it with hard cider, which probably has a higher alcohol content than the wine they were drinking, but which looked like the non-alcoholic cider my sister was drinking. I could write volumes on the symbolism in that, but I won't. As it turned out, I finished what he gave me and then poured myself a glass of wine, and neither he nor Mother said anything. She looked amused and he looked distraught. She and I seem to have reached a holding pattern where we can get along okay. It's not a mother-daughter relationship. It's not a particularily friendly relationship. It's probably not very stable, either, but it's working out okay for now. I still wish I had a mother-type figure in my life, sometimes. I think, from all reports, that they are generally good things to have. I'm dealing pretty well without one, though, and I'm willing to leave it like that if it gives peace. I've got all the love I need from my friends, and they are all the family I need. So that's my Thanksgiving thing for which I am grateful. I thank whoever it is that deserves the thanks for giving me a surrogate family in my friends.

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