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8:56 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I want a girlfriend. I'm realizing this more and more as time passes, as I spend time with certain people, as the time since the last one gets longer. I haven't been with a girl since this break last year. That's really not a good thing for my equilibrium. Adam over the summer, but that was brief. And not female. I want a girlfriend. I don't particularily have anybody in mind. Just. The concept of a girlfriend. Of a warm, soft body, without demanding protrusions, somebody to hold and love and yes, somebody to play with. It's the only time I ever wish I wasn't at CRMS, when I think of that, because there is a grand total of one bi girl in whom I would have an interest, and I did have an interest for a very little while, and then I got over it, and now we're building a friendship. She fell asleep on me in the bus today, and I was watching her sleep and thinking. Thinking that this would have been really exciting a while ago. Thinking of that wish for a girlfriend and wondering why that wish was not manifesting itself in a liking for her. Thinking that I like her a lot, but I'm glad it's only as a friend. Because the girl has huge commitment phobias and I don't play games with my heart. And the thoughts of girlfriends and the lack of girlfriends segwayed into thoughts of Panda. Half the school thinks we're sleeping together, or together in some manner that we are not. She comes to my room after dorm check, she stayed the night Tuesday, we wrestle and spend all our time together, we go to the movies and out for lunch and dinner, we do all the couple stuff. Except, we're not a couple. It's kind of tempting, sometimes, to think what if. What if we were a couple? What if, at 1:30 on a Wednesday morning when she's in my upstairs bed? What if, when we go out to Taipei Tokyo and the woman there gives us funny looks? What if? And what if, the next time some random person-about-campus gave us an odd look, I told her about this speculation? But all the what if's stay in my head, because the thing about Panda is, she's given me no reason to believe she's other-than-straight. So there is nothing to come of that. And I am left where I started. In small-town Colorado nine month out of the year, in love with the place but beginning to be ready to leave for a place of more liberality. And. More girls.

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