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7:18 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Cesca said in the kitchen today that she feels like she's floating. Which is a perfect summation of my life lately as well. Important things go by and by, I watch them go, sometimes I wave. Then I go to sleep. My mind is not connected to my body, whenever I return to perfect consciousness for a moment I end up in tears so I'm mostly giving up on trying. But I do fight it. I do recognize it. I do hate it, I fear it, but dealing with it requires consciousness and consciousness requires dealing with scary or sad or otherwise emotional. So I'm not doing very well. I talk to Heather sometimes, but she has so much, she hears everybody, and I'm still not comfortable just going in there without any reason. I haven't talked to Ceca since Sunday, when she got all mad cause I wouldn't tell her some random something or other. I still don't know why that upset her as much as it did but I really hate being caught in the middle of whatever's going on with her and Mandy. They have wierd issues, I have issues enough of my own, I wish I could just have my best friends without the complications of their inability to get along. As a result I spent the entire week with Mandy, I feel like I should be taking better care of her, keeping more of an eye on her psyche but I'm having trouble enough keeping an eye on mine. Sometimes I wish I could get off this stupid fence, just curl up on my bed and wait for them to send Laura for me. Wait. Float in the bliss of darkness behind my eyeballs. But I am on the fence and I don't know how to make this feeling go away and I don't dare push myself over the edge. So the pattern begins again, the cycle I had hoped broken continues to revolve. I don't know how to make things better, no matter how hard I try there's always somebody for whom it's not enough. Katie Scott and her bullshit, Julian and his inability to change his perspective on the world, my parents who really do try but after sixteen years it's hard to begin again. My mind which keeps flooding me with tears every time I even try to think. Heather says we cry when voices aren't being listened to. I suppose she's right, I have so much to say but no clue how to say it and I don't really even know what it is but I know it's building up and I know this void in which I'm floating is not healthy. I think perhaps I miss having Stacey, but then I remember that that never helped either. I don't know what helped. Coming here helped. Now that I'm here and the glow has faded, I don't know what to do. I have nowhere else to go. I have people I love, here, more than I ever have in my life. All the bits and pieces that should make up happiness are here. So why am I in the void?

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