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10:33 a.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

My quote of the day "two of everything down the sides and one of everything down the middle." Written by dependent. Who is good.

My hair is black and purple. This thrills me. So is much of my skin, which thrills me less but is, at the same time, really funny. And my fingernails. I wonder if the dye dyes my fingernails more than the rest of me because fingernails are made of the same thing as hair. Same proteins. Damn you Chris Labonte. Proteins. But my hair is black and purple and I love it. My pillowcase is interestingly patterned. It looks like I tye-dyed it. Or sponge-painted. I like it.

Tomorrow is the concert. The concert in which I sing, in which I go up on stage in front of a million people, or at the very least two hundred, heading a band of 5 including myself, and I sing. I sing a song about a girl who, if only she would get over this guy, would have her mind changed by yours truly. Or, really, by Bif Naked, since she wrote the song. It's written out in all it's lyrical glory somewhere, just go back a few entries if you want to see. It turns out that I'm not as tone-deaf as the rest of my family. Which is kinda nice, cause I was always under the impression that I was. Thank you Amy.

I have always had a tendency to make friends with people who will stomp on my heart, or at the very least my ego. This year is perhaps the first time in my life that I have a very close friend who does not. I rather like it. I like honesty and I like not playing word games and emotion games and time-share games, I like being able to speak my soul and not being considered weak or insane. I like being able to speak the truth straight-out, instead of having to play pretend and working through things as alternate characters. It was fun, it worked, but reality leaves one with a much greater feeling of fulfillment, of knowing what just happened. I am incredibly grateful for the ability to spill my soul, and occasionally be demanding and unreasonable and sometimes even helpless, and having that be okay. Incredibly grateful that she puts up with me. That she understands that this is all very new to me, that she will be observant and she will call me on things but she will baby me when I need it. Incredibly grateful for understanding and closeness and truth. Wish I could say it better, wish I could say it at all, because she deserves to hear it and to understand, but the best I can hope for is that she will read this because I'm not very good at speaking. At the whole sounds and vocal cords and explaining. The best I can do is I love you and I think that's a little short for what I really mean. Maybe she gets it. Maybe not. But I mean it with all my heart, so I hope so. And we are going to have so much fun in Chicago.

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