| present | past | conversate | host | guestbook|

6:58 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Can I do nothing well enough for these people? It feels like every conversation I have with Jeff, I come out feeling like I've betrayed some great trust, and what's worse, like I've done it on purpose. This time it was something about the nurses saying that I say that I've used the health office to get out of classes and how that's an irresponsible thing for me to allow to have happened. But he's not accusing me of anything. So what, exactly, am I supposed to do about that? I don't miss classes without a reason, or if I do, I take the cut and go to Sunday Study and deal with it on my own. But he doesn't want to hear that, because he's not accusing me of faking sick, he's just telling me about this little rumor, and besides, the administration here has heard just about enough of my excuses. Katie said that one, not him, but it's stung ever since and I still hear it in his tone. Defending myself is out, because anything I say is taken as an excuse and brushed off in the name of "oh, I'm not accusing you of anything." Just of 'allowing' this unpleasant little smirch on my record to be circulated. As the sting wears off it just feels ridiculous, because if he really does think it's just a rumor then what the hell am I supposed to do about it? I just can't seem to do anything right for this program, for this school, and I would give almost anything to be graduating this year. I bought the whole package for a while, the idealism and the rhetoric and the lofty goals and missions, but this year... This year I lost three extremely close friends, this year my academics went (back) to hell, this year I took a not-so-fun trip back to the land of depression, this year has been hard for me. I don't need this dorm head reputation not-good-enough shit every conversation I have with my so-called boss, or supervisor, or director, whatever he is. I just can't take this every minute of my life and I'm starting to sound like Amy or Dharma or whoever she is with all of her they're-all-against me conspiracy theorizing, but I just can't deal with it! So I'm not good enough, so I don't know everything, so I'm not perfect! I'm learning, I'm trying, I'm still doing better than ever before and maybe I do have a tendency to take on too much but could we be a little bit understanding of the failings of a sixteen year old just waking up from a life that in places reads like the kind of nightmare from which you wake up screaming? I'm doing as well as could possibly be expected, and every day I do better, but it's never good enough. What I would do without the good parts I don't know, but luckily for me there are things like spring trip and people like Ces and Heather and Chris. People who get it and who love me and value me for me, not for my ratio of successes to failures. In the end, I'll work everything out, but for now I have moments where I just wish I had the time to break down and sob in a corner somewhere.

| once before | notes | once after |

... design by bri...