Firsts and lasts. The first graduation I've got anything out of other than a sunburn (though I got that too), the last graduation I'll ever attend here before my own. We're seniors now. All the now-senior girls, with the exception of Sarah, Jiyeon, Eva, and Mia, were sitting in the common room last night. There were only six of us - Wendy, Pasang, Saki, Mae, Stephanie and me. Eleven girls in my class. We will be the seniors. We are, technically, because we're the oldest in our class. Exams start tomorrow. Monday Tuesday Wednesday then we're done and I only ever have to take one more batch of them at CRMS. Over. I go back to Chicago on Thursday. I'm thinking in fragments. I'm scared. Change scares the shit out of me, especially the summers. I don't know where this feeling of mine stems from, this feeling that everything will be swept out from under my feet if I go away, but it's there. I've already been invited back for next year, I'm going to be a senior, after finals I will not have failed anything, so why am I so frightened? It was this way last year too, and I had better marks then than I do this year. I'm just so scared that this tower of mine is built on clouds. Scared that for some reason it will all be taken away. Scared that I'll have to go back to Chicago. That it's all been an illusion or a dream and that I will wake up any minute now. It hasn't been perfect, but it's been better than anything else. I haven't always been happy but I've been happy more than I've been sad. I don't want to go, not for another year. Fragments of thought. Time to do my Ani project. Music class. Ugh.
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