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6:43 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I feel lightheaded. I can't decide if that is the effect of all the sugar and caffeine that I've consumed today, or if it's the end of school. Probably some combination of the two. I'm so glad it's over but I don't want to leave this place. This valley looks different from every place that I go. That may not come as such a surprise to everyone, but it seems odd to me still that Tick Ridge looks different from the City Market/7-11 intersection than it does from the path to the Bar Fork from the Crystal. It seems odd to me that today was the first time I had ever done anything with Josh that wasn't related to school or theater. We got coffee to celebrate the end of finals and then went into Goodfellows to get pizza and because he wanted me to meet his uncle. Joe and Steven and them were sitting there, and I could feel their eyes on the back of my head for all of the five minutes we spent in there. We took our pizza outside and ate on the grass and talked about bear trading and pets. And the oddity of small towns - we saw 7 groups of people we knew in the two hours we were off cammpus. I made him try the grasshopper drink that I always get at Java Joe's and he claims to have liked it. We played on the swings. It was a good afternoon. Finals are over. My head is light. Tonight we cremate the dissection cats, tomorrow I pack and clean, Friday I get on the train and go - well. Back. Back to limbo for 2 months and two weeks. Minus a month of summer college and hopefully some time with Lada. I'm glad the year is over, I'm glad we're seniors and I'm glad summer's here, but I don't quite believe it yet. I'm never ready to leave. So much has happened this year and I'm just not ready to wrap it all up yet. I miss cities and I miss my family in a vague, detached way, but I really love this place. It seems especially odd now, leaving with this half-spoken promise in the air, but there's no helping that. We'll see what happens next year. It will be a good summer. Next year will be better. Life goes on, with no real choice, and I am caught in the undertow after a lifetime of just dabbling my toes. There's no going back now.

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