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1:30 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

So here I am. Quasi-college student. Feeling alllll grown up and yet there's this little mischeivous voice in my head that thinks I'm just a little girl dressed up in my big sister's clothes parading through the world, and she marvels that everybody seems to buy it. I like her more and more as I get older, this little voice in my head. She makes me smile. She has skinned knees and tangled hair, a big gap-toothed grin, she dashes around in my inner world from one thing to another. When she so chooses she can fly. She thinks it's funny that we're here, at certain moments. Walking through the quads in the morning with my coffee and my backpack, standing tall and feeling collegiate, adult. She pokes me and we giggle together because the deception is such a fun game, because all the people on the outside seem to believe it so easily. My hair glints purple in the sunlight, then I enter the building and go upstairs and shrug on my lab coat and my gloves, parallel visions of past and present and future flowing around me, a past of swirling confusion, a present of now-ness, a future that may include a lot of mornings of shrugging on a lab coat and latex gloves. Rare moments of insight into the 5th dimension, or perhaps just an overactive imagination. Either way, I've got my legs under me and I'm happy here, now, finding my routines and making friends and figuring out which people to sit with in the cafeteria. Going to the pride parade and finding pockets of queerness and acceptance wherever I go. Peace. I'm learning to find peace.

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