| present | past | conversate | host | guestbook|

11:45 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I actually have the song "walking on sunshine" stuck in my head. This is the first sign that something is either seriously wrong or unbelievably right in my world. Tonight I think it's right. Tonight I'm walking on sunshine and clouds and all sorts of other fuzzy, normally unwalkable-on substances, because I just spent an hour on the phone with the woman who has been haunting my thoughts this entire summer. Amanda called me. Amanda called my house tonight while I was at the movies with V, and somehow my father persuaded her to leave the message that "her panda-bear called" and a number at which I could reach her. And he told me this and I grabbed the slip of paper on which it was written and I ran up the stairs as if jet-booster-flamey-rocket-type-blaster-thingies were strapped to my heels and then I got to the phone and paced for a few seconds and tried to have an internal discussion as to whether it was a good idea to call her but then the number was dialed and my very shaky voice was asking to please speak to Amanda and then... Then there was her. And there were fifteen minutes of horrible awkwardness wherein I stuttered more than I think I ever have. And then we settled into the old rhythm of things and I rediscovered the ability to form a complete sentence and we talked and the clocks and simple addition say we talked for a little less than two hours though my inner sense of time says that an eternity passed and yet that it was no more than a single breath, a heartbeat even. My bear. My pandabear. She's okay. She's alive, and she's doing things she shouldn't be doing but she's alive. And she's talking, to me, and she's even gone so far as to admit that I'm better company than inanimate objects. For her, quite a concession. She called. We talked. I'm walking on fuzzy clouds of joy and Bri says I'm poetic and I'm just so happy I could cry and laugh and shout and... I feel so light. I've been so worried. So worried about her, about calling, so torn up about calling and not calling and caring so much and being so scared that she was dead, or in the hospital, or sent away, or that if I called she wouldn't want to talk to me, and now I'm just... floating.

| once before | notes | once after |

... design by bri...