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8:39 a.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Ugh. Feeling sick and very, very busy. Took all but music off yesterday and my first two classes today, in the name of needing rest. Yesterday had a very peculiar reaction to the knock-off sudafed (pseudoval, actually) that the nurses gave me and spent a good part of the day lying on my bed wondering if I could voluntarily make my finger twitch involuntarily. Then came online and gave Bri's away message a lecture on the difference between being a dyke and being gay. I keep getting these brief glimpses of various maybe-futures of mine, especially when I do things like that. Lecturing on sexual/gender politics of the new millenium through a fog of intoxicating allergic reaction to off-brand cold medicine. Bridget, appropriately enough, laughed at me. Then said she loved me, which was a very good feeling. Of all the people I've left behind since I moved out of New York, I think I miss her most. I still have a letter she wrote me when I moved away, and it still has the power to make me tear up. She cared so much about me, and in all the stupid things I've done before and since, she's remained a friend. Even after almost four years apart, when I see her we slip into conversation and laughter and silly-story-telling as easily as if we had been living next door to each other all along. She was the first person, ever, to tell me that I am a good friend to people, that people will like me if I give them a chance. I still feel like I can tell her anything, and not just because she doesn't know any of my friends here. I think that years from now, she's still going to be somebody I can talk to after months, maybe years of no contact, as if there had been no separation. And someday I will manage to send her all the assorted trinkets I've picked up along the way with her in mind. Maybe that should be my project for today.

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