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8:41 a.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I keep seeing the titles for Buffy episodes in people's banners. That, and there was the one about a benchpressing panda. I did click on that one. There was another one as I was passing through a page that I realized only after I had left had the lyrics to a Bif Naked song on it and I would have liked to go there. Interesting things, banners.

Um. That's not what I wanted to talk about. I think I wanted to talk about family. Or possibly the play, and my roses. Perhaps I'll even find a way to tie them together, or I could just ramble on.

Cesca and her mom and I went to see the second Harry Potter movie yesterday, when I should have been writing papers. She (Cesca, not her mom) came to see the play Friday night - brought me the aforementioned roses. I'm slowly succumbing to temptation - last night I took eight of them out of their bucket and pinned them up in a border around my door in the hall. Three on each side and two crossed over the top. Very pretty, and a sneaky way to end up with more dried roses. Why exactly I feel the need to be sneaky about this I don't quite know, considering the only one it concerns is me and I can't conceal my motives from myself (at least, not with something this blatant and silly), but I still enjoy the subterfuge. And I wonder why Josh sticks every disorder in his psych book on me... Anyhow. So there are now four drying on my bulletin board, eight hanging around my door, one under my book crate, two given away, and ten in a bucket on my chair. *pauses, reviews last paragraph* How do I get off on these tangents? Where was I...

Ah yes. Friday night. She brought Kyle, her new boyfriend. I gave him the best friend speech when he came back during intermission to talk to me while she was being a social butterfly up front. Stared at him for a moment, then told him that if he ever hurt her I'd break his knees, and in all other circumstances he was approved. He looked quite bewildered, but said something along the lines of a very uncertain oh good and we shook hands. Kelley came back and hugged me and said nice things, and then Tom shooed them both away and me backstage. After the play Ces and Kyle came back to the dorm with me, where he read the rainbows on my walls and Ces and I did the best friends thing, complete with unspoken volumes and seemingly unprovoked laughter, teasing and giggling and so on about things that go back two-three years. I tried to show Kyle pictures of her from spring break last year but she was having none of it. Stole them away so I tackled her onto my bed in an attempt to get them back, and thought nothing of it. We've been best friends for aeons, or so it seems, and there's nothing to think about anymore. It's her, and it's me, no explanation needed between us. Not so much with him, evidently, because she says that after they left he asked her if we two had ever been together. Which, of course, we have not, and when she asked him what brought that up he said (if I'm remembering her recounting of this correctly) that we just seemed so totally comfortable with each other. To which she responded, (at least when she was telling it to me) 'she's like my sister.'

And it's true. It's so true I don't even think about it, and I think about everything far too much. I told Marcela the other day when we were talking about Cesca coming to the play that she's the closest thing I have to family this side of the Mississippi. Probably not entirely true because I think that the Twin Cities are this side of the Mississippi as well and most of my extended family lives there, but the intent is valid. I'm not good at trust, and I don't let people get close to me, and she somehow (I suspect by ignoring both of those) managed to wrap her arms around me walls and all and squeeze until they just dissolved. For her at least. And I don't know when she did it. I don't know if it was the first time I looked up, startled, into those bright green eyes that had seen a girl with rainbows in her hair hiding under a lilac bush, or if it was the day she walked into the end of my french class last year and I was sobbing my heart out across a table from a very confused Julian and she just wrapped her arms around me and let me cry. I don't think she knows that nobody had ever done that before. Maybe it was cooking with Pekay in the kitchen, maybe it was scheming over the whole AG fiasco, maybe it was spring break or Mandy or kittens or cutting or drugs or any of countless other things that brought us so close, but she is family. And her family is so kind to me. And yesterday I went to see Harry Potter with her and her mother and then we lay on her bed and the tiny black kitten to whom she gave my name curled up on my arm and yawned a tiny kitten yawn and went to sleep and we watched the British Queer as Folk on DVD and everything was right with the world. Family.

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