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11:21 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Sleepy Lani. We've been busy. Museums and downtown and dildo shopping and such-like. It's wonderful having her here, but I don't know how she's doing. My family can be difficult for anyone, and it's hard for me to see us through her eyes. It's hard for me to be here. Having her makes it a thousand times better but I don't know how to say that in a way that she will hear, and I don't even know why I want to. I just worry, I guess, and then there's the needy part of me that wants somebody to talk to. Wants to talk to my best friend. I don't know if she realizes, or if she cares, how little we talk anymore. Really talk, talk about the hard things. I never see just her anymore and when I do we're never still, never alone, never available. I miss the way we used to talk - I miss having somebody to talk to.

I guess what brings all this up right now is some odd combination of colleges and my family and this dratted chicago girl. Somehow the conclusion has been reached that I'm falling for her or whatever the term is, when in all reality I just like the way we interact. Yes, honestly, were she available and not quite so... unavailable, and interested, I'd probably reciprocate that interest, but as things stand now it's all pretty simple. I like spending time with her because she makes me feel good, and that has nothing to do with any of the reasons Jus and Ces keep trying to give me against it, boyfriend and flakiness included. I kind of expected Ces to understand, for whatever reason, and she doesn't seem to. I like spending time with this girl because she doesn't look at me, doesn't talk to me, the way other people do. Is this such a bad thing?

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