Lana feels

Hohum... I don't think I'd realized just how much I miss seeing her every day until I did. Two weeks of near-constant togetherness, this dear Cesca and I, and I think she's the only person in the world I wouldn't want dead by the end of it. Two weeks of my clean room strewn with art supplis and I get back to my clean dorm room and suddenly it feels incredibly cold and barren. Two weeks of talking about everything and suddenly there's silence even in conversation. Three people so far have asked me how my break was and I want to tell them that for the first time all year I felt like I wasn't talking to a robot with pre-programmed responses but instead I say 'good, how was yours?' because that's just what we do. Now I'm back here, in this place that feels so empty this year, and I realize just how lucky I am to have found this friendship at this time in my life, or at any time. This girl-woman who pulled me both physically and metaphorically out from under the bush I was hiding under and has yet to have a moment's tolerance for my desire to crawl back in. And sometimes she's harsh and sometimes I'm so wrapped up in my own world that I don't remember to listen to her, but there's never a moment when I doubt our friendship. And I have a lot of doubt on the subject of relationships. She compares our friendship to butt beads, and it is entirely because of her that I no longer feel the need to pretend to find that distasteful. I have never in my life felt as emotionally safe as I do with her, and that's odd because she has a tendency to throw things up in the air just to see where they'll come down and what they'll do to what they encounter along the way.

So how was my break? Well, we went to museums... And I still don't like ultra-modern art. We went to tabou-taboo and I reaffirmed for myself and the world that I can't be anyone but myself when I'm with her, which can be awkward in situations that I would otherwise deal with by cloaking myself in a show of jaded nonchalance. We saw people who know me as somebody less generally terrified than the scared girl she rescued and it was kind of awkward, because neither persona is a cloak. We didn't talk as much or as openly as I had hoped we would, but all I can do is hope that she'll find me when she needs me. I spent two weeks with the single person in the world I would ever want to spend two unscheduled weeks with - yes, it was a wonderful break.