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12:12 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I've had two, not one but two Enya songs stuck in my head for days now. To the point where they've melded inseperably together, and I can't remember the lyrics to either one. Wild Child and something about lovers in long grass. I haven't listened to Enya since February and yet there are these songs trilling merrily through my brain. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach and have been being inwardly petulant all day - I hate feeling like this but I don't know where it comes from. Cloudy days when I should be taking math tests I know I'll fail, I suppose.

It hit me this weekend how much I want to go home, and how much I want to stay here, and how thoroughly incompatible those two things are. Walking back to school from City Market after spending a relaxing snuggly day with Cesca, with the afternoon sun on Red Bluffs and everything smelling deliciously of spring, I felt the telltale prickles of tears behind my eyes and somehow felt like I was seeing it all for the first time. My third year here and suddenly I wake up to so much because I know I'm leaving it all behind so soon. Six weeks until graduation, one of which I'll spend on Spring Trip. So really, this week, then a week in a canoe in what are said to be unbelievably gorgeous desert canyons, then four more weeks of high school. Ever. This doesn't feel like high school anymore, this place - it feels like Colorado. Like fast rivers, mountains instead of a horizon, red rocks, sagebrush, cactus, people I know and care about or in some cases, barely tolerate, but they're my people. My dormlings and my friends, the people I rarely exchange a sentence with, the people someday I'll wish I'd spent the time to get to know. Familiar. All of this is so familiar now, and just when I'm getting used to having that stability, I'm going away and beginning again. I don't want to stay; I'm being nostalgic because I know I'm going, and I'm aware of that, but there are parts of this I'm going to miss and there are people whose absence will leave a gaping hole in my life for some time. And I don't know what I'm going to do without Cesca.

And yet I do want to go home. I want to be done with high school, with geometry and dorm check and the thousand-and-one committees and activities and responsibilities I have here. I love being trusted, but the work I do to get and stay there is exhausting. I want to go home and irritate my sister and run with my dog and spend time with my friends and waste whole days doing nothing productive whatsoever. I want the suspense of these last 6 weeks to be done and over with because it takes too damn long when it's ending. I'll look back in 6 weeks and they'll seem like the fastest of my life but right now... So slow. And Enya. Of all things.

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