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2:20 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Suddenly, almost jarringly, I'm back in my own skin. I go for days at a time here without taking the time to look around me and process what I'm seeing, days of wakeup shower clothes biology chemistry finish class reading over lunch french class friend drama homework procrastination dinner procrastination homework m&cs homework roommate drama bed without a moment of stillness. I woke up yesterday feeling more overwhelmed and off-balance than I have since junior year, and that's a problem. It took a lot to teach me to walk in the river without getting swept away; it was a hard lesson, but valuable. Here the current is stronger and the bottom slicker, and sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to lose my footing. There's just so much here to get caught up in, so many (to hyperextend a metaphor) fascinating bits of flotsam and jetsom I want to reach for, and every time I lean over I change my center of gravity. My nature is to pick up my feet and let the current carry me, but that always leads to waterfalls and sharp things, and I don't feel like any new scars just now. I'm enjoying, for the first time in my memory, the feeling of firm footing. Damp, perhaps, with pressure behind the knees, but the water seems clear and I don't see the whirlpools of sinkholes ahead - the ground seems unlikely to fall out from under me, at least assuming I survive family weekend. So today I had russian literature, and somehow in that rambling 75 minutes I came back from whatever caffeine and sleeplessness inspired haze I'd been floating in and settled back into my own body. Skin, muscle, fat, blood, bone. Squishy organ bits. Me. And here I am.

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