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12:55 a.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Yeah, I know, it's been months. We move on.

At some point in the last month I have grown prone to headaches and irritability. I don't know where it comes from, or why it's happening, but I would like it to go away. Things that the people in my life do that I once found endearing, I now find beyond my ability to tolerate. I feel like I've heard every story they tell a thousand times already, like all the words we say at each other are just re-phrasings of things we've said before.. It seems that we all do a lot of talking and not a lot of doing, and it's been getting on every nerve I have. It's no different than it ever was, but lately I just can't stand people, the quirks and foibles and staleness of them. Staleness. That's a good word for it. It's been a long winter and I feel dulled by it, stifled, and irritated because people are.. well, people. And we only have so many stories, so we find new ways to tell them. If you spend enough time with someone, you will have heard all their stories. Maybe that's why it was so nice to have guy friends at CRMS - they don't tend to talk so much. Girls, and lesbians especially, talk about everything, and once we've said all that needs saying, we start over at the beginning and say it again.

I don't know why I'm so touchy tonight, though. I should be in a wonderful mood. Yesterday I got the summer job I've been wanting for months, then today was lovely. It was a beautiful day, and Jica and I went to Northampton and had sushi and wandered around in the sun, then came back to campus and lay out on a blanket to watch the spring festivities on the green. Kay joined us and eventually we went to dinner, then to a fairly good concert at the Thirsty Mind, where we got to meet the performers and enjoy live music for a couple of hours. All things considered, a great day. But then we went back to Jica's dorm, and I had had the idea that we would go to the sophomore semi-formal, so we started making preparations to go. I made Jica a toga out of her bedsheet that functioned admirably for my first toga-making attempt, and then... things stalled. She sent me home to get dressed and I got all witchy, bell sleeves and flowy skirt and even eyeliner, and wore the leather jacket she claims to be so fond of back to her room, and by this time I was kind of enthused about going to the dance. I know, me, enthused about a dance, how terribly bizarre, but it's a warm spring night and I was feeling girly and pretty and I wanted to dance with my girlfriend. Dance, and then.. well, it's a warm spring night and we're young and in love. Draw your own conclusions. But then we didn't go, and I wore the leather jacket and a low-cut shirt and she was more interested in a maybe-haunted picture in her common room than me. That bothered me, and then the fact that it bothered me just made it worse. I shouldn't want to be the center of her universe. That's not healthy for either one of us. But when I wear that stupid jacket and flash that much cleavage, I want to be the only thing she sees. Tonight, I wasn't. It made me grouchy. Being grouchy about something so dumb and so beyond the realm of things I could file a legitimate complaint about just made it worse. So I suspect I pouted. And now I've ranted and I feel better and tired and am going to bed.

This is not a good way to run my poor diaryland.. Months of neglect and then a pointless rant. We shall try for introspection... someday. When I have time. Cue laughter.

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