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Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Yes, it's 2:12 in the morning, and I am updating. Stranger things have happened. I want something very badly, but I'm not quite sure what. I watched the movie "But I'm a Cheerleader!" tonight. As a matter of fact it's probably still rewinding. That and My Fair Lady. A romantic comedy featuring a straight couple, and a romantic comedy featuring gay couples. And at the end of My Fair Lady, I find myself going, oh. Well, that's nice. At the end of Cheerleader, I'm left going ohhhh, that's so sweet! Of course, My Fair Lady ends with a guy demanding his slippers, and Cheerleader ends with two girls kissing in the back of a pickup truck driving off into the mountains with a couple of guys hopefully not kissing in the front seat, because one of them has to be driving. So it could just be that. But as a friend of mine was talking about a while ago, it's not just that. Because it's like that with all things gay. Or more to the point, all things lesbian. Which kind of worries me, because, well, being bi is easy. Probably easier than being straight, in most situations. Unless I go out and marry a girl, I never have to tell my parents. It never has to change anything, other than that I can look at both sexes with equanimity, and have a greater number of people with whom I can form various relationships. Easy. Actually being gay, now that's different. That would be hard. Really hard. But, at the same time, I'm not a lesbian. It was going through my head for quite some time, for most of the time this year up to winter break, from the time over the summer when Bri asked me, just matter of factly, if I was bi or completely lesbian. I said bi, but it made me think, and then what with the developments over this year, I did a lot of thinking. And then, right about the time when I was starting to throw up my hands in disgust with the entire situation, there was Josh. Who all of a sudden went from being "this guy at my school" to "this really sweet boy with the most marvelous smile..." accompanied by much angsting and sighing. And now I'm thinking that what I really want is just a hug, and some sleep. But everybody's asleep, so I may just settle for the sleep, and just stop worrying about it. I've been all unsettled and disoriented, pun included, since the beginning of freshman year. And I've done too much thinking. And now I think, when it comes to labels, I'm bi if I need one. But, fuck it. Fuck the thinking. Fuck the agonizing. No more. What happens will happen, and I refuse think about it any further. Because, at this point, it just doesn't matter. Enough of this analyzing and self-examination. I'll like who I like and get thrills out of the things I get thrills out of, and never mind if I like more girls than boys in a certain amount of time. It'll balance out eventually, or if it doesn't, so be it. I can't change anything other than the rate at which I age by worrying, and I just won't! So fucking there!

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