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5:55 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I am growing afraid of a phrase. Of the phrase, "This girl I was really close to." I feel this phrase approaching the frienship that I had with the girls in my dorm last year, and I feel it coming closer every day. Every time I see Lila in the halls and she barely even looks at me. Every time... I don't know. Just, I miss them. I miss my friends. I miss having somebody to talk to at night. Nobody's spent the night in my room since Cesca did the first night I came home. Despite promises from said dear friends that they would, all the time. That my being in the Crystal this year wouldn't change our friendships. Spoken promises they were not all, but promises nonetheless. I went into the OGD when I got back from Denver last night. I was in a really good mood, having had an excellent day. Josh and I are running the Student Health Fair, and we went with the nurses yesterday to the big fair at Denver's Channel 9 news 'n stuff. Good things happened and I was joyful. So I went to the OGD. Logical, no? To share joyful things with one's good friends? And I sat in the chair in the common room, talked to Lisa and Pasang and waited for Lila or Rachel to appear. Pasang teased me. Lisa, for pete's sake. Lisa joined in. Lisa who was my wenchish dorm mom last year, who is evidently being a lot cooler this year. Lila came out, brushed by, said something along the lines of hi. Rachel came out and somehow Lila reappeared at the same moment, and off they fled out the door. Off to the NBD, I'm assuming, since that would seem to be where they spend all their time this year. I stayed, talked to Mandy, who isn't really talking to me, but who I at least got to say that she wasn't mad at me. Which leaves me even more confused than I was before, but is probably good. At least she's not hiding her face every time I come into the room. So I stayed. And eventually they came back. Then left again. Then came back. I was still in a good mood, and when Rache came flitting over to give me a hug returned it with more enthusiasm than I generally do. She asks what I'm in such a good mood about as I get up to leave, and only then comes Lila flying after me inquiring about how the health fair/Denver were. I ran away, out of late-for-dorm-checkedness and also out of a distinct feeling that I just didn't want to talk to either of them right then. It's upsetting. I want to be friends with them. I really miss being close to them, miss talking to Lila all the time or even ever, miss all of it. And I just don't know what to do, because the worst of it is that she doesn't even seem to care. Rachel talks to me when she sees me, even if not about much of anything, notices if I'm being demonstrably unhappy as I was Friday night. The Imp, who at the end of last year, hell at the end of the summer, I considered one of my best friends in the world. This Imp doesn't even seem to notice that we haven't said more than hi to each other in a week. Is it so wrong for that to bother me?

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