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4:21 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Grah. Weights and fitness was not fun. Talked to Joe, though, and he turns out to be interesting. Why does everybody feel it necessary to tease me about Panda? We're not a thing. We don't have a thing. We don't want a thing. Leave us alone. We're just friends. For the first time in a very, very long time I have something resembling best friends, have found that in Pandabear and Cesca. I've missed that more than I can express and I still don't trust it when I see it because I'm not a trusting person anymore and because I'm tired of coming to depend on and care for somebody and then find that it's not reciprocal. I put up with Amy for as long as I did, and doubtless would still be doing so were we in the same time zone, because she was always there. She loved me and I loved her and we were inseperable and never did anything without the other and when we made plans they often fell apart but at least it was always mutual. Always. We always knew where the other was and what she was doing, and we cared, and we talked about everything always and sometimes we were brutal and sometimes we were cruel and we certainly did hurt each other, over and over, but it was always mutual. I miss having mutuality. I miss always knowing. I miss having somebody who needed me as much as I needed them. I miss honesty that wasn't truth and I miss playing games so intricate they substituted for reality and I miss losing myself in somebody else's psyche for weeks at a time. I miss her.

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