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5:12 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I don't understand, but maybe I'm not supposed to. People confuse me. I confuse me. I have trouble understanding where I am in relation to other people. I don't know what's going on with Ces, and maybe I'm worried without reason or maybe there is something but until yesterday I hadn't spoken to her since we got back, and when I did... I don't know. Nothing I can put my finger on but there was no substance to the conversation, there was no conversation. How are you, I'm fine how're you, how's being home, it's fine, how's things with kyle, they're fine, I hear George Bush is going to be painting the moon with a big Nike swoosh tonight, that's fine. It's frustrating. I guess, in part, I just get lonely here. I have my friends and I love them to pieces, but I don't ever seem to really talk to anyone. Talking with levels, I mean, talking when what we're saying is only the surface. And I don't know what's going on with her now, and I'm afraid I'm reading too much into it and I'm afraid of... I don't know what. Being alone, maybe, losing her. I'm not very good at hanging onto my friends, especially not the extroverted ones. They're fond of me when I'm just the shy little elf and then I open up and they realize that the things that make me so odd aren't so much fun. There's a constant fear in me of being left, of losing, of being lost, and I know it isn't rational and I know it probably doesn't help me at all, but it's not something I can control. I know she cares about me and I know I care about her, and rationally I know that just because we're not constantly in communication doesn't mean that I'm losing her, but there's always that little voice in my head reminding me of a thousand live-ins who've said they'd keep in touch, of Lila, of everything. And there's the unexpected and unexplained complete cessation of contact with Justin's Heather, which I don't understand. The day we saw all of them she IMed me and we talked about getting to know each other better and hanging out more over the summer, and now I don't hear from her. And, again with the issues with personal relationships, I don't know why. I know I forget to respond to people's emails, I know it's probably been a busy week, but my first thought is always to wonder what I did, what I said, what it is that's going on and what I could've done to change it. I don't have any insight into what other people think of me. I think that's at the root of all my fretting. I just want to curl up and stop worrying about people, but now that I'm used to them I like having them around, and the weekends here are lonely. It's enough to make me want to try being straight again, and I thought I was beyond that.

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