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12:14 AM Chicago time

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

It's time for brutal honesty. At 12:14 in the morning. Oy vey. But all the same. I've been thinking, about Lila as per normal, but in a different way. See, this all started when I was talking to Cesca a couple nights ago, and told her about Lila, and heard her reactions. She isn't overly fond of the girl. Thinks she's a bit of an airhead, and too young, and a bunch of things. See, this is odd, because while it's true, most people don't see deep enough into her to realize it. She comes off as a deep kind of person. She's very book-smart. And probably reasonably street-smart. She's not particularily innocent, but she's not experienced, either. And so, while Bridget or Jules or people like that come off as shallow and not particularily bright, because they're blonde, pretty, bubbly, and flirtatious, she comes off as being deep and intelligent. Much more so than she really deserves. The thing is, she speaks intelligently, and is, and there are times when she can be very deep, or at least I've seen times when she can be. But most of the time, she really isn't. She claims not to care about people, says it proudly. She can be hurtful. She can spend days going on about how much play she's going to get from Jeff Wiley, ripping my heartstrings in the process, and then not do anything about it. But the thing is, she does care. Because I've seen her care. I've seen her cry for her sister. I've seen her upset like a little girl. I've seen her let go of all the pretenses, of all the little nuances she adapts in an attempt to be older and more experienced and less innocent than she really is, and then she's great. Absolutely wonderful, one of those people I could spend days with and not get sick of their company. But I see too much of the nuances, of the "I want play," of the "I don't care and neither should you," especially lately. I mean, I like the fact that I care about people as much as I do. About my friends. And she says I shouldn't care so much, that I shouldn't get so attatched. But that's just how I am. And I would love to tell her that she needs to get more attatched, and to care more, and to see more when she hurts people. To tell her that she's 13, not 21 or even 15. To tell her to stop acting, period, and just be the sweetheart that I know she can be. Because, the way she is most of the time, I love her, but I can't stand her. I'm extremely attracted to her; she's gorgeous and there's just something about her that's attracting. And there are the moments, in the Walmart parking lot racing around with her in the shopping cart and listening to her squeal in delight, or holding her while she cries, or listening to her talk sometimes, or just any of the times she lets down the facade, and in those moments I see someone I could truly love. And then somebody else comes by, and she gets this look on her face and this tone in her voice, and her posture changes, and I know I've lost her again. And I hate it. So I just don't know what I think of her.

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