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Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

One of the things that annoys me the most is the "I don't care." I can stand the juvenility. I love the times when we're together and all the masks are dropped, and she's just herself. Those are the times when, like last night, we sit on my bed and talk, for hours, as she plays Sims on my laptop and I read Elfquest. She rambles. I do the voices from the comics. She looks at me and claims she's created a monster, which is probably true. She says I'm cute. And adorable. And I don't know what to say to that. But it doesn't matter, because life goes on, without an awkward pause. When there are other people it's always awkward, and she never says things of that nature. And so we go on. And in those times, the roof could fall on my head and as long as we stayed like that I wouldn't even notice. But I hate the "I don't care." That was this morning. When she came into my room at 10:30, expressly to see if I was there or had already gone to breakfast. I was trying to go back to sleep. She says she's going to get dressed and go to breakfast. I say okay. Ask if she wants me to come. She shrugs, says "I don't care." In that casual tone. And I don't know what it means. I don't know if she wants me to come with her and just doesn't want to say so, if she doesn't want me to, or if she really doesn't care. And it wouldn't bother me so much if I really thought it was the last, because I often don't care whether people go places with me or not. But there's always something in that tone, something enforcedly casual, that bugs me. Like maybe she does care one way or the other, but she just doesn't want me to see that she cares. Or for anyone to see that she cares. And that's her attitude on a lot of things, and it really bothers me, because I don't want her to hide from me.

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