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10:36 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

So three days from the end of these last two crazy weeks, I'm utterly deranged. I was worried about this trip, yes, but never quite like this. I thought of all the standards. The "what if" things. What if they don't like each other? What if Lila doesn't like it here? What if, what if, what if? But I just somehow never pictured this coming into it. Lada's mad, I think at me. I don't know why, but she is. I've tried asking. I've tried waiting and staring at her for half an hour in the hopes that she would relent from her silence and tell me what's going on. She wrote on a piece of paper "If you have something to ask, ASK." So I asked her why she was mad. She wouldn't say. She even said that she wouldn't say. I have no clue what to do. I mean, it's 10:45 at night, she's said a grand total of probably 8 things to me since 1:00 this afternoon. She went for a very long walk, or something, from around 1 to just after 6, looking upset. She changed her shoes, and went right back out, ostensibly to get coffee, then came back all grouchy and mad, and started cleaning my room. Yes, she's a neat freak. I went in and tried to figure out what the matter was, but then we left her alone, because it seemed that was what she wanted, and went and ate, she having said she'd join us down there. So she came down, still mad-looking, and went back out almost right away. I really, really don't get it. I've been trying so hard this whole time to try and make sure that Lila and I don't exclude her, that she and I don't exclude Lila... But I kind of think she feels that it's happened anyway and that sucks and I don't like it either, because they do it a little as well, if only by having longer legs and strides which make them continually walk ahead of me by several paces whenever we go anywhere. So really, yes, this hasn't all been as much fun as it could have been. I really need to get some sleep, and hopefully Lada will as well and then be easier to deal with in the morning. Otherwise, it's going to be an absolutely miserable two more days and a morning, and then I won't see her until goddess only knows when, and I don't know what I'd do if we weren't friends again. I'd be miserable, especially since this time I can't just apologize for it because it's not entirely my fault. Even if it is, I don't know what I've done that would make it that way, and in any event it just makes no sense to me! If she wants something, be it a hug or a long talk or a back-rub or to go back to gaytown or what have you, all she has to do is ask. If she's upset about something, all she has to do is tell me. I do not know how to deal with it when she just clams up and refuses to talk to me. I love her, and I don't know if she knows that, but I am almost certain that it matters to her, if only because the tone of her voice when she says it to me. I hope it all goes away in the morning. I'll try to get a more comprehensive summary of these weeks up here as soon as I can, because it wasn't nearly all bad.

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