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5:43 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

It's quarter to 6 and I have done nothing today. I have a headache and my period and I need to get back to school. Need it. In a way that is so intense I can't describe it, I need it. I'm exhausted. I'm just worn out. I need that train ride. I need to spend a day and a half by myself in the midst of people, trapped, thinking and writing. Maybe even sleeping. And then I need to get off that train and see those mountains. Those beautiful, protective, enclosing mountains, reaching up and up and taking my soul with them. I need those mountains. I need to catch the end of a rocky mountain summer in a place that is home to me like no other place in the world has ever been. I need that. I need to see Cesca and Katie and Panda and Lila, I need the hugs I'm going to get and give. I need to see Kat, my marvelous dorm mommy. I need to unpack my room. I need the mountains. I need the Crystal river and the dorm with it's name, I need the Bar Fork coffee machines. I need the hugs, the huge, all-enveloping hugs that will last forever and squeeze me tight and tell me that I'm loved and I'm home and it's all going to be okay. That it doesn't matter, not even a little at all, what happens when I'm away because they love me. They trust me and they love me and I need them and I think in their own way they need me. And I need that as well, to be needed, to be in a place where I'm valued for who I am and who I want to be, where nobody gives two shits who I was or any of that because they are my friends and my family and my life. I trust them, as much as I've ever trusted anybody. All of them. The ones I don't know yet, the ones I've known for a year but never spoken more than a few sentences to. I trust them. My friends. The ones who got me on a ski lift with a waxed board strapped to my foot, and then waited while I fell on my ass all the way down without laughing except at my antics trying to get back up. The ones who eventually even got me to musical tryouts, and even onto a dance floor. Who put up with my moods and who each have their own ways of making anything all better. Who helped me, know it or not, to shred the last vestiges of depression. Who I smoked with and drank with and listened to good music with and who have taught me so much in a year that I never imagined possible. I need them. I need to go out and be a junior and take the classes and do the school thing. I need to learn again. I need it all to start again. A year ago today I was on Wilderness. A week from now I'll be welcoming the new kids back from it. Life has cycles, and I need to get back in tune with mine.

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