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11:07 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

Isn't it odd how one sentence, one e-mail, can change your entire mood? When I got home, I was in such a good mood. I'd just taken Linda to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, which was enjoyable. A funny movie, I suppose, but mostly, there was the Eliza in a shiny catsuit thing. And the cool thing at the end which I won't give away, but anyone who hasn't seen it yet; stay through the credits! So I was all bouncy and happy and enthralled. Then I get online. I talk to Lila, Cesca, Bri. I check my email. Oo! I got something from Kat, my dorm mommy! So I open it. And I read it. And it says, Sorry, but you're going to be dorm head in the other girls' dorm next year. The youngest girl in the entire dorm and I'm going to be dorm head. I don't know these people, and what I do know I don't like! I mean, sure, there's Mae and Stephanie, and they're friendly, but even them I don't know very well. I'll probably be rooming with Stephanie. I don't know why this hit me so hard. But then, reading those sentences, I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for my plans. For all the hopes and dreams and rather specific scenarios and plans I had had for next year. Plans of being in the OGD. Being with Lila and Panda and Rachel. Plans of a single. Plans of being the oldest for once in my life. Of making friends with and being a mentor of sorts for the new girls. I've said a thousand times this summer how funny, how ironic, how odd it is that they trust me. That they want me to be somebody new ones look up to. I've been so proud of that. And I suppose it's really no different now, but it feels that way. It feels like all my plans have come crashing down around my ears. Because now who'm I going to spend my late nights talking to if I don't have them? Lila says she will come visit me. Which may indeed be true. But we won't be able to go across the bathroom to each others rooms anymore. We won't be able to spend study hall giggling and avoiding Lisa. I won't have Kat to be my mommy; she'll have a whole new flock of dormlings to tend. I don't want this to happen. I don't want any of it. I want to crawl away and hide somewhere. I want to tell her to make Jiyeon be dorm head in the Crystal and let me be in the OGD. I want to make myself a cocoon and just let go of everything that's bothered me this summer. This year. And I think that is what I shall try to do. Then I will go back and be dorm head in the Crystal. I will make friends with whoever. And somehow it'll come out okay. Just because it doesn't have a choice. For now, though, I want to burrow. I want a hug.

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