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2:42 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

I wish this didn't have to be so complicated. I wish I wasn't so unsure. About everything, about life, about the future and the past and the present. I wish sometimes that I could just put everything on hold for a moment. Just stop it. All of it. Stop it and sit and think objectively, catch up on my sleep and homework and essays unwritten and math unlearned. I wish I could just, simply, make it easier. Make it more comprehensible. I wish I could see every angle of everything and thereby gain a more complete understanding. I wish people wouldn't try to make me Mandy's keeper. I am her friend, she trusts me, I understand it, but I cannot control her or even influence her significantly. And yet I feel guilty for having been in the common room on the couch with Marcella Friday night instead of in Mandy's room. If I had been there... And yet, nothing tragic happened, perhaps another couple scars on an arm well-used to such things. But I wasn't there. I was with somebody else, for purposes far less important than my friendship with the Bear. It's just so taxing sometimes. Exhausting to be the closest person to somebody with such incredible fluctuations of selfhood and mood. She scares me sometimes, she reminds me so much of myself a couple years ago. Silly on the outside, hard to take seriously at times, but there's this current of rawness and energy underneath, behind her eyes a spark and glimmer that worries me. But then sometimes, sometimes she's all right, she's Mandy and she's Bear and she's my friend and no matter what I love her. Not the mushy gurlgy kind of love, but the simple steady friendship love, the appreciation of who she is and what she is love, the love that is just there. It means nothing more or less than what it is. Momentary glitches aside. And we have so much fun, sometimes. With champagne glasses and grape koolaid, and let the world laugh because we know that it's just fun. I don't know. I wish it were easier.

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