Lana feels

I hate waiting. I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing, and I hate even more that I could if I was just less of a coward. But hence the event for which I am waiting. There isn't a way for this to work out that wouldn't be good - the only bad is the waiting. Friendship is good. Things other than friendship are (probably) good. Waiting and dithering around the subject of which of those two it will be is not good. It has me bouncing back and forth between big silly grins of private joy/amusement and sinking, rocks-in-my-stomach feelings. Lots of private self-scolding, babbling in front of the mirror, contained temper tantrums... And all because of the waiting! Not a bit of it has to do with the actual subject matter, because at this point I don't care which way it goes. I just want it to go, be discussed or acted on or otherwise decided, and then be done with. But I have fifteen more minutes of waiting, and then I have to manage to string together several complete sentences in a manner nonchalant enough to dispel any ideas of my being at all worried or anxious about the matter in the first place. Dammit, I hate these games.