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10:24 p.m.

Lana feelsThe current mood of xengirl at www.imood.com

In which the side of me I most despise puts in an unexpected and thoroughly unwelcome appearance. Needy, petulant, and unable to explain myself - not a good combination. I just... Sometimes I need to be babied. She's remarkably good at making me feel valued, like I and we and what we have are at the center of our own private and very pleasant universe, and tonight I needed that and it wasn't there and I didn't know how to ask for it and it put me in the crankiest mood I've had in a very long time. I don't know what made tonight different from any other night - there have been plenty of nights when plans for just-us time have turned into us and other people plans, and I've been absolutely fine with it. Maybe there's going to be bleeding soon, and that's making me go all weepy, but whatever it is I really don't like it. It struck me on the way home that part of this is probably the good old defense mechanisms kicking in. It scares me sometimes how much I care for her, and how much I've come to rely on that affection in not much more than a month. I don't think I've ever felt this way for anyone - nobody's ever cared about me the way she does. She keeps asking me why I'm so good to her, and I don't know how to explain to her that she treats me better than anyone ever has in my life. Nothing I can do for her will ever be enough to match just the love she gives me. And now... we're going to be apart for longer than we've been together. I'm going to miss her. Really, really miss her. The sensible part of me wants to cram as much loving time into the next 8 days as we can. The scared little kid with the abandonment issues wants to push her as far away as possible, because it is her experience that once beloved people go away, they don't come back. Tonight, the first part was thwarted and the second part threw a fit. The result - ugliness. Boo to hormones, and boo to defense mechanisms. All of you, leave me alone - I just want to love my girlfriend!!

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